


Startle The Insomniac

by SweetDreamsDarling



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Teenagers, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Comfort, F/M, Freeform, Insomnia, M/M, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Scared Dan Howell, University, ill tag as i go - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 07:18:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13993230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetDreamsDarling/pseuds/SweetDreamsDarling
Summary: There’s no escape for Dan when his nightmares come to haunt him every night, leaving him to wake up in a panic time after time. He wanted it to go away, it needed to leave him alone. But when he meets another boy at university, he let’s his cold guard down, one that hasn’t been seen through since he was a child. But Dan didn’t feel anything for him, right? It was all a game that life was playing, but he never did know what to do when life tried to beat him down. So what exactly does a university student do when his life is shattered on the floor?





	Startle The Insomniac

**Author's Note:**

> So, of course, this is a completely made up universe and please let me know what you think! And if you need anything tagging just let me know

Having nightmares night after night isn’t something everyone has to put up with, certainly not someone in a stable family with loving parents, a beautiful girlfriend, and a dog, but Dan was stuck in a constant cycle. He’d stay awake most nights, trying to rest with the fear of falling asleep hanging over him, but when he did drift off his mind was a mess with horror and madness. It wasn’t the nicest situation to be in, be he was convinced there was nothing that could change it.

From age 13 Dan had been tied under with his nightly terrors every single time he slept. Sometimes he didn’t know what had frightened him, but he’d wake up with a sheen of sweat on his skin and his limbs aching from thrashing around so much at invisible beings that his mind had conjured up and then locked away somewhere where he’d never remember. He was afraid of the dark, and anything supernatural, but his subconscious brought up more things than that and it made him wonder why. Was it linked to his depression? Was he just scared? There were countless questions he could ask, but none were ever going to get an answer, he couldn’t make sense of it himself, so he doubted anyone else would.   
  
He’d told his mum about them, out of sheer desperation, and she’d taken him to the doctors, but it wasn’t much help, they’d just waved him off and told him that he was making it all up. That response was enough to have Dan shut up about them, and it was it when his dad found out and laughed. He just laughed and told Dan that he needed to ‘man up’, and it became a running joke for them all except Dan. Whatever he did, the nightmares didn’t leave him alone, they were like some demon has jumped inside him and become emotionally attached; it felt exactly like that. There was a constant weight on his shoulders that just wanted him to succumb to it.  
  
By 16, Dan had been prescribed antidepressants, so he just blamed his sleepless nights on those. It was a side effect, so people just went with it. Before then, it was difficult to hide the blotches of purple that were permanently marked under his eyes. His mum got increasingly concerned and tried to usher him to the doctors and all Dan could say was that he was stressed from exams and all the work he had to do. When things got bad with his depression, and his mum realised, she’d practically dragged him there and demanded help for him. Glad was a calm way of saying how Dan felt when he got help, but at the same time he couldn’t really feel it. Depression seemed to be a part of him that was integrated in his every thought, without it he didn’t know what he’d do. It seemed pathetic to tell anyone, but every waking moment was one full of anxiety for him and it was all just too much.

  
Nonetheless, things began to pick up when he was getting some of the help he needed. He was even nightmare free for a few weeks, dreamless, but there was no freaking out until he woke up from whatever he’d faced in his mind during the night. That’s when Dan was happiest, breaking the routine of nightmares was one of the most relaxing things that could’ve happened, he could go out and mess around with his few friends and then have the energy to talk to his family. Everyone noticed the difference, he wasn’t constantly curled up in his bedroom doing whatever it was they thought he did, he was quite cheerful. People thought they’d got their Dan back – his mum especially – but he’d always been there. Wanting to go out sometimes, tiring himself out to keep ties with his friends and family, Dan had always been there, just with the nightmares hindering him significantly. But they’d finally gone, at least for a little while.  
  
When they came back, it was like fate was playing a cruel game with Dan. He ignored them the first few times, but they caused him to breakdown in the darkness of the night eventually. He was on his own with it all - that’s what scared him the most. The few friends he did have would just laugh about what he was going through, his girlfriend would call him less of a man and leave him, and then he truly would be alone. He couldn’t be alone.   
  
Candice was a beautiful girl. She had thick golden hair that fell in curls down her back and bright blue eyes that anybody and everybody would fall in love with. Dan supposed he was lucky she’d given him a second thought, but he never really did feel anything for her. People cheered when he agreed to go out with her, he’d finally gotten a girlfriend, and a good one at that. Sure, he’d gotten small crushes before, but they’d just gone away with the stress of everything. Candice revelled in the attention, she loved showing off for Dan’s friends and her own, and she’d often just pull Dan down to kiss him to put on a show and make people jealous. She left lipstick marks on his lips, and he’d just want to rub them off and tell her that it annoyed him, and that he hated kissing, it just felt messy to him and not in a good way. He did wonder why it didn’t feel good, or even tolerable, but he settled it to him just not being mature enough. Deep down, he knew something else was there, but no one needed to know about it when he didn’t know what it was.

GCSEs came and went in a flurry, Dan was rather pleased with his results all things considered - they were an array of Cs and Bs with 1 A. His parents were annoyed and said that he should’ve concentrated more when he was studying, but they congratulated him later in the day and they went out for ice cream. He didn’t really want it and the attention on him was making him feel slightly nauseous, but at least people were distracted from his pale face and tired eyes for once.   
His teachers smiled thinly when he went to get his results, they were too glad that Dan was going to be leaving and going to college instead of staying there. He was disruptive in his own little way, he spoke to everyone, but it wasn’t because he wanted to distract people, he was just a chatty person who got on with people without being popular. Weird, considering he liked his own company a little too much.  
  
He was just like any other boy in school, only he wasn’t so pent up about girls, but teachers would sometimes ask him to stay behind so they could talk to him about how he was feeling. All the time it would be 'I’m fine.’ Said with a smile and a nod before he practically ran out of the classroom. They knew about Dan’s depression, obviously, but he would never ever talk about it to anyone.  
  
Days were long, so on the odd occasion Dan would fall asleep in the middle of a lesson. It was always embarrassing when he did, he’d twitch and jolt until the person next to him shouted for a teacher to help. They’d thought he was having a seizure and, the worst time, called the nurse to him because of the violence in his movements.   
He remembered his drama teacher, she didn’t let him leave one time after class, she wanted him to tell her what was going on. She could see his brown eyes fading and turning dull when she asked what was going on with him and why he fell asleep in the hard-plastic chair. She tried to joke about the plastic chair, saying he could’ve picked a nicer place to fall asleep. He just chuckled and nodded, never told her what was going on though, he just said he had to leave and darted from the classroom. For someone who made sure he never took part in PE, he certainly did bolt with such haste, it was probably a shame he didn’t take part. Instead there would be forged notes and he’s join the group of others on the wall with his earphones in. That was probably the only time he was quiet when around other people.  
  
Times changed, but Dan didn’t. The nightmares were just as intense as he moved through college, but the teachers were much less forgiving. They’d go on and on about how he was missing so much time by staying home, then they’d yell when he fell asleep in their lessons. One teacher, his geography one, told him that he’d never get anywhere in life if he was always as 'lazy’ as he was. That night Dan cried. He just lay in his bed and sobbed, as it was true, he’d never get anywhere, and it was all due to his own head playing games with him. He was his own enemy. It wasn’t nightmares that kept him up that night, or anything that was imaginary; it was reality, a reality he’d have to face with such a burden beside him. He pledged to stop going out that night, and he didn’t go out unless his family forced him. He’d play video games or study into the night until he was flat out from exhaustion, then the nightmares would attack and leave him inevitably gasping for breath with tear coated eyes.   
  
A levels were tough, but Dan scraped by, all the extra studying made up for his lack of attendance to his lessons. He guessed he didn’t really need to try anyway, he’d got an unconditional offer from Manchester University, so it didn’t really matter about his grades, they could be absolutely terrible for all he cared. He’d just made sure his personal statement was the best, again, it was all thanks to staying up for as long as he could, added some extra information and let them do the rest of it. The acceptance letter did shock everyone, and his parents were reluctant to allow him to leave home when they were so worried about him, meaning Dan had to spin a few lies about getting himself together while he was away and rekindling his life into the shape he wanted it.   
  
He’d be living in the student halls with a bunch of different students, all in the same year as him. He applied to do drama, it being his main passion that kept him going when nothing else could. People said he wouldn’t get anywhere with it, but who actually used their degrees after university? It was a waste of a few years in Dan’s mind, but he needed to make his parents happy by doing it. They’d be proud, then lay off him so he could try and sort himself out, although he had little hope of doing so, he was convinced he’d always be a trembling shell of a person that seemed too timid to even speak to people.  
  
Dan was still with his girlfriend despite everything, and she was pretty promiscuous. It wasn’t really an awful thing, but everyone thought it was and laughed harshly when Dan never reacted to the news of her encounters - Candice herself had asked Dan why he was still with her, that she thought he’d have left her all alone. He uttered the same excuses of 'I love you’, 'you won’t do it again’ and 'it’s okay, as long as you’re happy.’.   
It was stupid that he was still with her, but again, it made his parents happy. Them being happy was all he really wanted.    
  
The thing about Dan, he wasn’t happy, he never really had been. In fact, he quite literally hated life. It was just one big, unfair, disgusting game to him.  
So university was going to be a clean slate for him, he was convinced of it. 

Without having to worry about college during the summer before university, Dan began to socialise with his family more and spend more time out of his room. His grandma asked him why he wasn’t sleeping, instantly catching on from the look of his eyes and complexion, it made everyone look at him at once to scrutinise his appearance. “Son, if there are issues then you can come to me or your mother, you know it.” His dad clapped him on the back, but it felt too awkward. They’d never been that close, simply because Dan didn’t know what his dad wanted on him. He wanted a masculine son that he could play football with and that would pick up all the girls and have gossip about each of them. He wasn’t that kid. He was tired, sad, scared, and most of all he wasn’t at all tough. His dad wouldn’t think he was tough when he suffered his nightmares, it’d be one big joke to him. “Of course, sweetie, you aren’t alone and we’re your family!” His mother beamed at him, then wrapped her arms around him in a suffocating embrace. It made him wonder how she’d react if she knew about all the times he’d collapsed in exhaustion in his room over the years, the bruises he’d got from passing out, and the constant thing lurking around him that. Ironic that he loved drama, he put on a show every single time he was in front of anyone else, a mask that’d never fall unless he let it, a performance worth his life.

The summer went by and left countless excuses to not leave the house often in its wake. Dan skipped trips to theme parks and zoos and whatever else his family did, he just wanted to sleep. Sometimes he didn’t care, he let himself sleep while they were gone so he didn’t have to worry about screaming when he woke up. It was a messed-up strategy, but he’d gotten himself in a toxic mindset that he just couldn’t break from, and it worked well enough for him. Misery was a persistent feeling, Dan just had to cope with that. 

* * *

It was the first day of Dan living in the halls when everything went downhill, he couldn’t face it. He had a supply of cereal bars, energy drinks, water bottles, and a couple boxes of cereal, all stashed away under his bed, so he didn’t have to meet the other people he was going to live with. As people moved in, Dan was huddled away playing Halo with his room in darkness, so people wouldn’t disturb him. No one seemed to want to talk to each other anyway, all the communication was just in mumbles and no one shared the main room, Dan didn’t think anyone even used it for the first few days. It wasn’t until he heard one of the guys banging on a pan to get people’s attention that he left the room, apart from needing the bathroom, and everyone wearily came from their rooms. “Look, if we are all going to be living together, we have to at least get to know each other a little bit more.” He sighed, scraping a hand through his hair and looking at everyone. No one wanted to do it, it was unnecessary effort that they’d have to give, plus it’d now seem impolite if they forgot anyone’s names.   
  
“I’ll start then, I guess.” The pan banging person said, it was clear he was struggling to keep himself from rolling his eyes. “I’m Lee, here doing psychology.” He waved his hand awkwardly, instant regret filling him when he finished. Then another girl spoke up, she had long brown hair and oval shaped glasses perched on her nose, “I’m Eloise, here for law.” Someone scoffed at that, and Eloise looked frightened and walked away hesitantly. The girl that scoffed was the next to introduce herself, holding herself with such confidence that she intimidated everyone in direct radius of her, “Leah.”. Dan wanted to heave when he saw the gum in her mouth, seeing gum in someone’s mouth was a pet peeve for him, it was a dumb one, but it made him grimace. He just wanted to get away from them, and the only way to get away from the 5 people around him was to speak up. “I’m Daniel, call me Dan, and I’m doing drama. Excuse me.” It came out in a mess of words, and he walked away quicker than Eloise had done. 

  
From his room, he listened to the other names. Aida, Riley and Reese. There were 7 of them all living together, they didn’t know one thing about each other and were bunched together by pure chance. It was a little scary not knowing anything, one of them could be a murderer for all Dan knew, and Leah made it out like she was going to cause trouble around the place. Trouble wasn’t something Dan wanted, he just needed to get through university and not make anyone suspicious of him. Anyway, no one seemed to want to be around each other anyway, even Lee didn’t want to do what he did. There wasn’t any need for them to speak to each other unless it was dire, and even then, they didn’t exactly have to do it. Classes were going to start up very soon, within days, and they’d all get into friend groups of their own. Dan, however, really just wanted to fly under the radar and stay alone. He sighed and sent a text to Candice, who still wanted to be in a relationship with him for some reason, to ask how she was getting on. She chose not to go to university and took on a job as a waitress, which was fair enough really. Not that it bothered Dan what she did. When his phone vibrated with a reply, he didn’t bother looking at it, Candice could wait for a while, it wouldn’t kill her to put up with him for once. He felt bad thinking that, but it was true.

When his phone vibrated again, he checked it. It was an email from the university with his classes on a timetable, the first one was two days away, on the Monday, and Dan was kind of glad it was all happening so quickly. At least he didn’t have to worry about suffering the company of the people living with him, they’d probably forget he even existed in time.


End file.
